I don’t know why, but I started hhwackin’ it when I was about 3 years old.

I didn’t have anything in mind really. I just remember it felt good and for some reason (probably something my mom said) I just thought of the word “nasty” and that’s what got me going. Like, the word was my OG porn.

Well, I had this giant Clifford the Big Red Dog plush. It was huge. I was hiding behind it one day hwackin’ when my mom went looking for me to show her friend how cute I was. Well, her friend seen me hwackin’. She was embarrassed as hell. They wanted to put a stop to it, so my father decided he knew what would work.

“Son, you keep playing with that thing and it’s gonna fall off and you’ll turn into a girl.”

I thought, “Wait, girls don’t have a wee wee? Ohhhhhh!”

So now I had an image in mind that worked me up. It was girls, naked, nothing down there, walking without bending their knees. Kind of like walking a pair of scissors. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know.

So while I’m ranting. My mom got a new house. My aunt and my twin cousins came down with us to look at the place. The one said “mommy, I gotta pee.” The other chimed in, she had to pee too. I had a theory about how girls peed, but I really really wanted to know. I turned to my little brother, “littleseal, this is our chance. We can see how girls pee.”

So we snuck around the corner. My aunt was holding them up in the air, one hanging from one arm, one hanging from the other. We seen them from behind, and it appeared that the pee was coming from the butt. I grabbed my little brother by the shoulders. “LITTLESEAL! GIRLS PEE FROM THEIR BUTTS! I knew it!” We giggled about it for awhile. Like, way too long.

Fast forward a few years and I was living in a new neighborhood. Me and the girl next door were playing fetch with her dog. I had to pee. She said, “Can I watch? I want to know how boys do it.” I said, “Sure. We do it with our wieners. We don’t have to sit down so we can pee anywhere. I’m glad I don’t pee out of my butt.” She said, “Who pees from their butt?” She was laughing at me like I was crazy. I said, “Girls do! I seen it.” “Well I don’t know what girl you seen, but I pee from my vagina, I poop from my butt.”

She said, “come on. I’ll show you.”

I was blown away. Later on it hit me. “Oh my god! It makes sense. That’s why I have a wiener. It’s for sex!”

Sorry to go on. Your comment made me remember being afraid my wee wee would fall off and then took me down memory lane.

Get off my lawn. See you next time.