For starters, I’m a 20-year-old man. My family is very Christian, so I am traditional and I have never met a gay family member. If it was, and I’m sure it was, it was never talked about.
Well, when I was 15, I met Greg, the same guy who made me realize I was bisexual when he introduced me to be my boyfriend.
Because of my internalized homophobia, this relationship is over. I have had and still have many mental problems that make me feel bad. I was mean to others, I pushed them away. I would get attached to them and then I would find out that they are bad.
Greg was one of my attachments. Now that I’m 20, I’m attached to him again, but I’ve been very rude to him, so I’m sure he doesn’t like me, even though he used to have feelings for me. I told him I hated him, I pushed him, shouted at him. Am I a bad person? :(
You say you have mental illness. That might be so, I don’t know. But I will say that everybody, even people without mental illness, make mistakes like you described, especially at your age.
Everybody has dark and light inside of them. Being aware of this and being concerned when you make mistakes is usually a good sign that you’re not a bad person. Try not to compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to your past self. Keep improving and try to make fewer mistakes. But don’t punish yourself too severely for making mistakes. Just keep trying to do better.