I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
I hear you, part of life is accepting what we can’t control. If he needs to step back for his own comfort, you need to let him. Fwiw, and this is just my opinion, you are dodging a major bullet by losing him. Seeing your state of mind just reminds me how gray my past relationships were and provide even more perspective to how much happier and fulfilled I feel now, after having made the decision to choose myself (happily single for 2 years now). That’s not to say that breaking up wasn’t hard, it was agony. But I do feel reborn, and much stronger and more confident in myself.
You can do it too. You are good enough and you are strong enough 💖
I know, I want him to realize that this mistake can be fixed and that we can move on. We met up to talk and I tried but he did sexual stuff (obviously I did and wanted to) but it was brushed off the first night when I kept saying let’s talk. That part hit me the most. But I always felt happy with him, really. He is 7 hours away but we see each other here n there (meet halfway or whenever he’s down here for work)… he is only long distance for maybe 10 more months or a bit less now. But part of me feels like this still can work if he changes his mind. I do feel numb right now to everything so everything does feel gray. I’m trying to hard to win him back but I’m so drained. I’m tired. But no one ever cared for me like he does and I felt so happy with him, just seeing his face and being able to hug him, even if it meant seeing him every 3 weeks. We FaceTimed all the time, play Minecraft, games, chat, everything. The distance never rlly got in the way. I’m sad
This is the part of his behavior that concerns me as it pertains to your emotional wellbeing. It takes understanding and compassion from all partners in a relationship, and he is not extending that to you. It is those moments that I reflect on in my past relationships that I wish I had seen for what they were so much sooner. I did the same thing you are doing, focusing on the parts of my partner that were positive and using those to excuse the negative, which is what kept me locked in a difficult, dark place for years. Because real talk, even though I know now that the men I dated weren’t right for me, it’s not like they were 100% bad people. I still don’t think that. They were damaged young people in their 20s that hadn’t fully processed the trauma in their life and had, unbeknownst to even them, developed unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that I was then stuck dealing with on the daily. And I thought, “If I just support them enough and be patient enough, they will pull through and our relationship will experience a bloom and depth that will make all the strife worth it.” That never happened, and I don’t think it ever would have happened. As long as I tolerated the dark times, they never had to push through their problems. You deserve someone who loves just as fiercely as you do, don’t accept half measures.
I have 100% been where you are right now. I will acknowledge that I don’t know your situation intimately and that it is your life and your call on whether or not you choose to move on. But I can tell you that when I was finally tired enough to break away, that was the beginning of a fresh new chapter for me ❤️
Take some time for yourself today. Make a nice cup of tea (or whatever is your preferred warm and cozy type of drink), listen to your favorite album (I take much solace in music, and if you need a recommend I am high-key obsessed with Pale Jay’s album Low End Love Songs), and try to remind yourself of how wonderful you are 💖