ie
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Whenever I see a homeless person I give them a lot of money
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I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feelings
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I’m very agreeable
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I do odd jobs for people, even those who don’t like me, and even if I’m exhausted
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I feel really guilty if I mess up even slightly on something and I’ll apologise and let them know I am sorry for messing up
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Constantly battling my instincts and my entire personality feels like it’s being filtered
I still feel bad and like it’s all not enough. It’s as if something’s missing, but I don’t know what that something is. Is this normal? Sometimes I think “fuck it, I’m bad, probably was born bad, why don’t I do other bad things as well since that’s what everyone expects of me now” but I push those intrusive thoughts aside.
You can’t hold 6 year old kids accountable for stupid stuff they do. I totally understand your feelings, but the best thing you can do is just do your best to be a nice person, instead of self-flagellation. So take care of others, but also of yourself. Only give when you have something to give, but also only take what you really need. The hurt and shame might stay, but try to nourish it. Us it as inspiration for being a good person from now on. Feed it with more self-punishment and it will only get heavier, like a stone arouns your neck that’s growing and pulling you under. Nobody will be happier when you drown, so don’t. Just do your best, that’s all you can do ❤️