ie
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Whenever I see a homeless person I give them a lot of money
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I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feelings
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I’m very agreeable
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I do odd jobs for people, even those who don’t like me, and even if I’m exhausted
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I feel really guilty if I mess up even slightly on something and I’ll apologise and let them know I am sorry for messing up
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Constantly battling my instincts and my entire personality feels like it’s being filtered
I still feel bad and like it’s all not enough. It’s as if something’s missing, but I don’t know what that something is. Is this normal? Sometimes I think “fuck it, I’m bad, probably was born bad, why don’t I do other bad things as well since that’s what everyone expects of me now” but I push those intrusive thoughts aside.
No one is born bad.
You might be a Buddhist in a former life, now reincarnated 😅
But seriously tho:
Be kind, but don’t be a pushover. You have to look out for your own interests, because no one else will
Not gonna sugar coat it, you need therapy, bad. Punishing yourself for something that happened when you were 6 is not normal or healthy. You wouldn’t punish another 6 year old today like that, so why do it to your inner child?
I wish you the best and hope you find peace, but get off the internet and go to a professional as soon as possible.
- Six-year-olds have very little agency over their minds and so little understanding of the world that IMO it’s not really worth it to view them as “guilty” of things.
- I don’t know whether this is a useful way of thinking about things for you, but most of the matter in your body has been replaced with new matter since you were six years old. I expect most of the way you think and the things you know have been replaced since then, and how your cognition works on a very basic level has changed. Like, if you’re over age 27 you have a developed prefrontal cortex that wasn’t all there before. You’ve changed enough that you could safely regard yourself as a different person in a material sense, and a much better person. Sometimes when I remember something terrible I’ve done ages ago, the way I’ll think of it is that I can destroy that other version of me by becoming a different, better person.
- You could see life-changing benefits by seeking therapy resources like DBT and CBT. Web searching these can lead you to free video resources that you could listen to while doing whatever else you do with your day.
You keep posting about this and I don’t think it’s healthy.
You are not responsible for your parent’s divorce.
Posting on the Internet will not help you. Talk to a therapist. It can take a lot work to change this mindset. You need someone to guide you. Random people on the Internet cannot do that.
My existence is basically the reason my parents separated when I was 4 (my mom baby-trapped my dad out of insecurity). It’s not my fault, they’re just shitty parents and weren’t good together.
Feeling guilty doesn’t change anything and it just makes you annoying for anyone to be around. Constantly apologizing isn’t a personality, it’s a chore to do and to listen to. You have the right to have emotions and opinions and say no to things.
If this still haunts you as an adult, your parents probably offloaded the emotional burden of their divorce onto you. Consider whether any other six-year-old on the planet would deserve this kind of punishment, because that’s what you’re doing to yourself.
You can’t hold 6 year old kids accountable for stupid stuff they do. I totally understand your feelings, but the best thing you can do is just do your best to be a nice person, instead of self-flagellation. So take care of others, but also of yourself. Only give when you have something to give, but also only take what you really need. The hurt and shame might stay, but try to nourish it. Us it as inspiration for being a good person from now on. Feed it with more self-punishment and it will only get heavier, like a stone arouns your neck that’s growing and pulling you under. Nobody will be happier when you drown, so don’t. Just do your best, that’s all you can do ❤️
Whatever you did when you were 6, and however terrible it was, you were SIX. You were too young to really be responsible for your actions. Stop beating yourself up about it and keep on being the good person you obviously are nowadays.
To me all it means is I was born bad. Most six year olds didn’t do what I did, and what I did is still affecting other people right now.
There is no such thing as being born bad. Six year olds have no idea the level of impact they’ll have with their actions. That’s why they can’t be prosecuted. They’re not capable of that level of understanding.
You need to get professional help letting go of this.
Pretty much everything we do affects others, that’s unavailable. But you were 6. You weren’t old enough/mature enough to grasp the full concept of what you were doing, otherwise your wouldn’t have done it. It’s wonderful that you have become such a considerate and conscientious person, but please stop torturing yourself.
Dragging guilt around is pointless
I’m sorry about your mom’s illness.
What I’m reading here in this thread is that you haven’t found the right therapist yet. And us jokers on the internet cannot fill that void for you.
We all have to live with bad memories. Regardless of quality if we were to enter a pissing contest to see whose suffering is greatest. You’re not living with yours, they keep you as a pet. I would go so far as saying being an obsessive goodie has not worked for you either. So look for a different therapist. At the very least another channel for you pent up regret. You can of course still be nice to the people around you. But you gotta give yourself a break from trying to outshine your average saint.
Probably not, it depends on what you did. I can (almost) guarantee it was one of two situations though:
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it wasn’t actually that bad.
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If it was bad enough that you did manage to actually grievously harm or even kill someone, you were almost definitely put in a situation / given access to something no sane adult should or would have ever allowed a 6 year old child to have access to (such as a gun, or being in a position to knock someone off a cliff). It is the responsibility of adults to make sure that 6 year old children are unable to harm other people while they are still learning that their actions have consequences.
As for your current everyday life, I need you to understand that an inferiority / guilt complex is in itself a burden on everyone around you. I once dated a guy with a similar guilt complex and he was impossible to deal with because I kept having to constantly shore up his self esteem for him.
If you really want to do something that benefits other people, start by working on yourself and your self esteem. You may be able to try self-help books, videos, personal mantras, etc, but if you’re not making any headway with those you likely need professional therapy. You are no good to anyone (and even a bit of a drag), if you continue on with this mindset.
Oh, and it’s also the responsibility of adults to raise children who don’t think or act like this. If the people who raised you have even subtly hinted to you that this is your fault in some way, they’re only doing it to avoid having to take responsibility for failing to prevent a six-year old child from causing irreparable harm to something. That means they failed twice, and they did both as adults.
You’re still stuck fixing it though, not because you deserve it but just by way of it not being possible for anyone else to.
Edit: I’m in a bit of a mood about my own parents right now, so if anybody else wants me to roast their parents lmk it’ll probably be very cathartic.
I didn’t literally kill someone, but I did kill something, and that was my parent’s marriage. Now my mom has cancer. I look after her but she wishes she was together again with my dad. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. When I am happy it just feels wrong. I have mentioned this to therapists but every time it feels like they don’t know the circumstances as well as I do, or they’re just there to fake validate me.
At 6 years old, you hardly understand how the world works. People generally realize that and act accordingly.
If anyone is getting divorced from something a 6-year-old did, either your parents don’t understand that (not your fault) or there was something much bigger going on already (not your fault) and whatever you did was the straw that broke the camel’s back (still not your fault, given the grace needed with a SIX-YEAR-OLD!)
If someone else said to you what you were saying to us, would you agree that “yeah, you must have been ‘born bad’* - that sucks”? And hold them to that same standard? Probably not. Don’t do it to yourself
* that’s not a thing, by the way
A marriage is a mutual responsibility of the people in it and no one else. Only those two people are even capable of upholding the promises they made to each other. If one or both of them failed to do so that is on them. And again, if they failed to help you understand that it is not your fault, that means that in addition to not being able to keep their own damn promises, they also failed to raise you properly.
Being bad is more fun. You should embrace your dark side and burn your angel wings.
Okay, what are the circumstances? You’re skirting around the fact here, just say what you think was so bad. Did you say you were being molested? Did you say you saw someone cheating, taking heroin, etc.? Unless it was something on this level, I don’t think it was your fault as a 6 year old.
It’s good to reflect on things, but you are beating yourself down for it. That’s never appropriate, especially because people like you, who are self aware and want the best for others, are very much needed in this world.
Let’s say whatever you did that ended the marriage was bad, and they’d both be together if you didn’t do it.
You were 6. Even if you intended this, how the hell is a 6 year old gonna be able to grasp the consequences of their actions. People can do really bad things at any age, but at such a young age, most of the things that happen because of your actions are out of you hands.
Do other people blame you for it? Because that is fucked up. They should know better. You are already reflecting, but blaming literally never helps anyone. And that goes for yourself as well, don’t blame yourself, no matter what you did. You can take responsibility and try to repair the damage to the degree you can, but never blame yourself for not doing things that you are unable to do. Do your best, and that’s all you can do. Mistakes are par for the course.
Marriages are made of 2 people. You are not part of that marriage, even if you are part of the family. If your sole actions managed to split the marriage, that suggests so much else was going wrong. Did they trust each other enough? Why were they not able to handle whatever their child did? How come they didn’t make up again after whatever you did, or they didn’t at least try? See how many avenues those two have to fix it? But they didn’t. That’s not on anyone else, but them. A working marriage extends a truckload of trust, grace, and love to each other, and I suspect, even if your actions rocked the boat, that boat was a nut shell with fish sized holes in it. There’s no other way your actions could lead to this. Your actions might have been the match, but look at the barrels of gasoline that fueled the fire. At that point, there’s so many things that can destroy the marriage, because the marriage was very shakey in the first place.
Trying to think of the worst things you could have done to lead your parents to part, there’s nothing a 6 year can do that makes them responsible for it. Please don’t beat yourself down - the amount of self reflection you do leads me to think you are an awesome human being and people around you should be grateful for how much you care for them.
TL;DR There’s no way in hell you were or are responsible for what happened to your parents marriage, no matter what you did.
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Is it normal I still feel bad even though I’m trying to do good and redeem myself?
Yes it is. People hold on to regrets for a whole host of reasons. Some more understandable than others.
But being good is not a value. It doesn’t stay up or down and it doesn’t get “remedied” in the traditional way. The amount of caring for others you do is awesome.
And yet, not saying no is an extremely unhealthy habit. Everyone has boundaries, and other people don’t realize how things drain your energy if you don’t say no. If you’re not looking out for yourself, who is?
The things in your list, almost all of them are nice in theory, but in practice they can run you into the ground.
- battling your instincts and personality
- feeling very guilty about every little mistake
- doing odd jobs no matter the person or task or how much energy you have
- not saying no
Look at this list. This looks almost self-destructive. It’s a testament to you that you are able to survive considering all these habits, but this is way past noble.
Please say no if you feel you need to, never agree if you you really don’t want to, only do odd jobs if they are appropriate, extend some grace for all of your mistakes and never suppress your personality. These are selfish things, but you are the only one who can be selfish for you, so look out for yourself.
Look into mindfulness and the concept of loving kindness, practice it on others at first. Then turn it inwards.
I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feeling
I don’t know why no one is mentioning this, but your feelings are valid and important. Assuming you extend this to people you’ve just met, eventually someone will either take advantage of this or think you like them because you don’t say no, even when uncomfortable.
Don’t do that to yourself. Whatever you did (as a kid), you don’t deserve that.
I killed some kittens when I was around 6. I was just playing and it was an accident, but it haunted me for years. To this day I can’t stand hurting animals. I was legitimately saddened the other morning when I stepped on a snail on my front porch.
But I also know that my actions as a child don’t make me a bad person now. Yes I try to make up for it. Not because I haven’t forgiven myself, but because I know the pain of hurting something.
