ie
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Whenever I see a homeless person I give them a lot of money
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I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feelings
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I’m very agreeable
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I do odd jobs for people, even those who don’t like me, and even if I’m exhausted
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I feel really guilty if I mess up even slightly on something and I’ll apologise and let them know I am sorry for messing up
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Constantly battling my instincts and my entire personality feels like it’s being filtered
I still feel bad and like it’s all not enough. It’s as if something’s missing, but I don’t know what that something is. Is this normal? Sometimes I think “fuck it, I’m bad, probably was born bad, why don’t I do other bad things as well since that’s what everyone expects of me now” but I push those intrusive thoughts aside.
Whatever you did when you were 6, and however terrible it was, you were SIX. You were too young to really be responsible for your actions. Stop beating yourself up about it and keep on being the good person you obviously are nowadays.
To me all it means is I was born bad. Most six year olds didn’t do what I did, and what I did is still affecting other people right now.
There is no such thing as being born bad. Six year olds have no idea the level of impact they’ll have with their actions. That’s why they can’t be prosecuted. They’re not capable of that level of understanding.
You need to get professional help letting go of this.
Pretty much everything we do affects others, that’s unavailable. But you were 6. You weren’t old enough/mature enough to grasp the full concept of what you were doing, otherwise your wouldn’t have done it. It’s wonderful that you have become such a considerate and conscientious person, but please stop torturing yourself.