I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
But I did so many bad things :( I can’t bear to process it and it’s eating me up. I hurt him so much when they sent me pictures. I know I didn’t ask for it but it’s partially my fault for even texting them in the first place. I feel like an asshole
First, internet hugs 🫂
I can tell you are beating yourself up, I have the same tendency and know how easy it can be to slip into a spiral. Try to remind yourself that you are only human and to give yourself some grace ♥️
Now, please believe me when I say he is wrong to hold you accountable for the actions of others, especially since you both had talked about your intentions and he expressed that he was fine with it. The part he seemed most upset about was the pics, which is something you DID NOT solicit and is not a failing of yours.
You really, truly didn’t do anything too bad. You wanted to engage in conversations for cash, spoke with him about it, he was fine with it, and people outside of your control spun things up. It seems to me that when things happened that crossed the boundary that you both had set for this scenario, that you did the right thing and disengaged with the other person. If he still insists on holding you responsible, then he is a fool and not worth your energy.
I recognize that the feelings you have are strong, but I challenge you to try directing all that love that you have to give inward, to yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day today, get a nice lil treat, if you have a garden, either yours or a community garden, go and try to appreciate the spring blooms! The viburnum are blooming in my area and their perfume is so lovely. I can just sit there and listen to the bees hum along. Find some serenity for yourself and remind yourself that you are a worthy human being ❤️
Thank you. I don’t know how to stop beating myself over it. It’s been 4 days and this guilt inside me is eating me up. I feel like a bad person and that I broke someone I care about so much. I can’t believe he wants to end it over this. We are texting about our feelings and opinions right now but I’m still devastated. For some weird part, I’m kind of glad he hurted me at the end when I wanted to talk but he wanted to do sexual stuff because I feel used, maybe part of me thinks I’ll move past it quicker because of this? I’ve been used all my life, I’m kind of used to this feeling now. He knew everything about the old men, he just didn’t know up until 4 days ago that the first guy sent me dick pics and stuff and trust me, it traumatized me where I was physically gagging and saying ew. The most recent guy asked me for my Instagram and then he would help me so I gave it with no thought and sent the go fund me link and he asked for photos, said check my Instagram cuz I won’t send any (in respect to my bf) and he immediately sent me a dick picture. That’s where he got upset. That I didn’t tell him about the first guy sending stuff (but he knew that I was sending fake nudes so part of me thought he’d expect something to be sent as I was fake flirting for money)
After that happened I said no more sexual and that the second guy was actually just to talk and he actually sent me money, that’s where he told me he didn’t want me doing it unless it’s through GoFundMe. That’s why I didn’t think much of giving my Instagram. I was dumb. I made a mistake.
I just feel like a liar in some way? I have always been open and honest to him and I’ve told him so many things that no one knows. When I went out with my friend and her boyfriend and his roommate was going to be there, I even let him know that and asked if he was going to be okay with it. I told my friend if he wasn’t then I wasn’t going to go. I would never want to do anything to hurt him.
I hear you, I also feel things strongly and am my own worst critic, but just remember that self-flagellation isn’t necessary.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I STRONGLY suggest cutting all ties to him. I see the spiral he has put you in and nomatter what good qualities you might see in him, if he is making you hurt like this right now, it won’t get better. I tried to make excuses, or have more patience, or be more supportive, more flexible, all the bullshit for men in my past. You know what it did? They settled into a comfortable place of knowing that they could push me on something and I would back off, “because relationships are about compromise”. FUCK THAT NOISE. Listen to your heart, and recognize that he is the one responsible for your anguish right now. And I really really hope that you choose yourself over him ❤️
YES, please follow this train of thought and give it some serious consideration. You have spent the last 4 days worrying about him, but when you wanted to express your concerns, what did he do? He brushed you off and wanted sex. Girl, he is just another asshole. He doesn’t care about you even a quarter as much as you seem to care about him.
If I were you, I would break things off with him and never look back. And if you are open to the idea, I would try to just be single for a while. Like, years. Get in touch with yourself, and find a way to love yourself first ❤️ ✨️
I know I made a mistake and he knows it was just a mistake and that my intentions were never to hurt him. His main concern is that he thinks I’m going to unintentionally hurt him in the future which I’m trying to accept but it makes me so mad. He knows how insane I went from hurting him. I hurt myself, I was in the ER because I was so stressed and hurt that I was having so much heart pain. He knows this. I wish he could believe me that I’ll never hurt him again. We are sort of texting about everything, probably for closure and stuff. I do want him back but I am also scared at the same time. He means a lot to me
I hear you, part of life is accepting what we can’t control. If he needs to step back for his own comfort, you need to let him. Fwiw, and this is just my opinion, you are dodging a major bullet by losing him. Seeing your state of mind just reminds me how gray my past relationships were and provide even more perspective to how much happier and fulfilled I feel now, after having made the decision to choose myself (happily single for 2 years now). That’s not to say that breaking up wasn’t hard, it was agony. But I do feel reborn, and much stronger and more confident in myself.
You can do it too. You are good enough and you are strong enough 💖
I know, I want him to realize that this mistake can be fixed and that we can move on. We met up to talk and I tried but he did sexual stuff (obviously I did and wanted to) but it was brushed off the first night when I kept saying let’s talk. That part hit me the most. But I always felt happy with him, really. He is 7 hours away but we see each other here n there (meet halfway or whenever he’s down here for work)… he is only long distance for maybe 10 more months or a bit less now. But part of me feels like this still can work if he changes his mind. I do feel numb right now to everything so everything does feel gray. I’m trying to hard to win him back but I’m so drained. I’m tired. But no one ever cared for me like he does and I felt so happy with him, just seeing his face and being able to hug him, even if it meant seeing him every 3 weeks. We FaceTimed all the time, play Minecraft, games, chat, everything. The distance never rlly got in the way. I’m sad
This is the part of his behavior that concerns me as it pertains to your emotional wellbeing. It takes understanding and compassion from all partners in a relationship, and he is not extending that to you. It is those moments that I reflect on in my past relationships that I wish I had seen for what they were so much sooner. I did the same thing you are doing, focusing on the parts of my partner that were positive and using those to excuse the negative, which is what kept me locked in a difficult, dark place for years. Because real talk, even though I know now that the men I dated weren’t right for me, it’s not like they were 100% bad people. I still don’t think that. They were damaged young people in their 20s that hadn’t fully processed the trauma in their life and had, unbeknownst to even them, developed unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that I was then stuck dealing with on the daily. And I thought, “If I just support them enough and be patient enough, they will pull through and our relationship will experience a bloom and depth that will make all the strife worth it.” That never happened, and I don’t think it ever would have happened. As long as I tolerated the dark times, they never had to push through their problems. You deserve someone who loves just as fiercely as you do, don’t accept half measures.
I have 100% been where you are right now. I will acknowledge that I don’t know your situation intimately and that it is your life and your call on whether or not you choose to move on. But I can tell you that when I was finally tired enough to break away, that was the beginning of a fresh new chapter for me ❤️
Take some time for yourself today. Make a nice cup of tea (or whatever is your preferred warm and cozy type of drink), listen to your favorite album (I take much solace in music, and if you need a recommend I am high-key obsessed with Pale Jay’s album Low End Love Songs), and try to remind yourself of how wonderful you are 💖
This is going to happen in every relationship for all the time until the end of time. There are zero relationships where people don’t unintentionally hurt each other. He is weaseling for a way out of reality. We all do little things that hurt one another, even our closest loved ones. No one is perfect. That’s just life. If he can’t accept that, he really is immature. He’s trying to run from reality, he will never find someone who doesn’t hurt him in some way unintentionally. Even if it’s something as simple as someone not being appreciative enough of something he did for them, if he’s hurt by it, he can’t avoid it. Feelings are a real thing we have to deal with and no one can be perfectly cognizant of another’s feelings at all times. Nor should we be altering all our behavior to make sure nothing we ever do could harm someone’s feeling. We should always be willing to find compromise and improve our behavior to try to not harm others, but what he expects is literally humanly impossible.
It should make you mad. He’s demanding the something impossible from you, a promise that you could never, ever accidentally hurt him in any way shape or form.