cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/14816537
I’m 43 years old but apparently I have a baby face, good hair for my age and everyone believes I’m in my mid 20s, even though I already have some gray hairs nobody seems to notice (so far).
I started the lie: first time I started my last job at a hospital immediately after my bachelor and told my new coworkers my real age (38 at the time) they started judging me: why are you not married, why don’t you have children, what have you done in the last 20 years.
The way these women asked was accusatory, like I’m a failure for being almost 40 and not having children or being single. At that moment I decided next time somebody at the workplace asks me for my age, to blatantly and shamelessly lie: I’m 25, leave me alone.
Since that bad experience I’ve worked at 2 other hospitals and my lie has always helped: patients and coworkers believe I’m 25 because as said I look like it, don’t pester me about children or marriage and while my current coworkers are gossips and need drama to live, they don’t push my buttons because I don’t give them any ammunition. It’s tolerable.
Note that I didn’t lie in my application and accounting and management at my workplace know very well my real age, but my coworkers and direct manager are oblivious to it: On my first day I just told them I’m 25 and they didn’t question it.
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I don’t lift heavy patients like a 25 year old and sometimes I come home with back pain. I don’t know if I’d get better assignments if I’m sincere about my age (I’d like that, but is it realistic?). I just don’t want to get to 65 with a broken back. I don’t want drama either, just to work and go home.
I lie to protect myself.
If I need to change this, why and how?
I promise you that some percentage of the people you’ve lied to are fully aware that you’re lying. Nobody passes that well for 20 years younger.
I’m 39 and my teenage coworkers at McDonald’s were surprised that I wasn’t just 19 or 20. To be fair, though, I have to wear a hat and it covers most of my gray hair. And they’re also teenagers.
Teenagers are absolute idiots. Their changing bodies seemingly take away energy from their brains. I got a dog last year and they grow into puberty after 9 months. We had been doing puppy training, which was going great, but after 9 months she suddenly seemed to have forgotten everything she learned and just did everything she wasn’t supposed to. Same thing goes for humans, but it’s a longer timespan, so the transition is smoother.
I think it’s plausible when you account for the fact that some people look significantly older than their age. So this person in reality might look like an average 33 year old, but claiming 25 is still believable as some 25 year olds look like they are 33 (or older even).
Of course, looking like a person that has prematurely aged is not something I’d go out of my way to claim either.
Oh I’m fully aware I did not age well.
I’m 47 and the twentysomethings at work still think i’m their age, its hilarious, some people my age wouldn’t even talk to me until they found out im old like them. Some of us just habve great genes.
I was told I looked young for my age. Then I transitioned and lost another 5 to 7 years.
It’s certainly possible that nosey co-workers have sussed out the truth, but also some people just don’t look their age.
My homie. If you’re doing nursing, you’re retiring with a bad back. Probably knees too. Doing patient care is hell on your body, no matter how light you go now.
So, yeah, see if you can get a doctor to recommend light duty to preserve what you have left, and the next time someone asks your age, tell them whatever because nobody is actually going to take it easy on you until you’re damn near retirement anyway.
I guess it doesn’t help you to say it now, but this was a terrible way to deal with a slight nuisance from what has to be a small group of stupid people. This has the potential to cause far greater intrusion and judgement from your coworkers than your lack of marriage and kids ever would have done, and this especially with a crowd that love gossip. You’ve potentially handed them the juiciest gossip they’ll likely ever get and given how dull the workplace can be, they’ll be milking it for years if they find out.
I think you’re pretty much in it for the long haul now, which will take work to maintain, and also depending on how long you work at this place with these guys, you better hope your unusually youthful appearance stays at a consistent 18 years behind your real age and doesn’t hit a sudden inflection point where it suddenly all catches up because that’ll be tough to account for.
actually I don’t agree.
To me this is deflection: they ask me something I don’t want to answer, I lie to them and try to stay away from them: I don’t disclose anything about me, they don’t feel offended, don’t start drama and leave me alone.
Gossips are gonna gossip no matter what I say, they need it, so I’d better disclose false information so they can attack me the least.
My strategy if they ask me again about my age if they suspect I lied to them or if they hear from other gossips my real age: lie again or say a ludicrous number. If they keep pestering me, remind them to go to work and go to work.
Sometimes I think I should work somewhere else.
I do get it, coworkers can be rude and nosey AF. I’ve had some like that, too. But lying about your age is not the way to handle it. Keep them on a low information diet. It’s perfectly OK to say “that’s really none of your business” or “l prefer not to discuss my personal life at work.”
If they keep pushing the issue, get firm with them and ask if they really want to get HR involved? (Don’t involve HR if at all possible. Mentioning it should be enough.)
To get out if the mess of this lie, just start telling the truth. Laugh it off, you thought it was cute/funny/flattering that people thought you were so young.
Most nosey/rude coworkers just want to make sure you’re “ok” and “not some kind of weirdo”. It’s very shitty and obnoxious of them, but you don’t handle it by, well… being a bit of a weirdo and acting like you’re over 10 years younger.
It is perfectly okay to say those things, as well as to threaten escalation, but it won’t make you any friends and probably will result in a hostile work environment … Which is fine, but should be anticipated if taking this approach.
I have no comment on the second half of this response.
It’s OK to make friends at work, but it’s not the primary reason people are there. And mistaking coworkers for friends-by-default can get you into even worse problems than being the unfriendly/private person. Coworkers who ask lots of probing questions often gossip. They use the gathered info against you in order to make themselves look better by comparison. OP just wants to be left alone. Playing reindeer games and engaging in mandatory fun is not a path forward for everyone. Especially those with actual skills beyond kissing butt. I have done well in my career minding my own business and asking others to do the same. You don’t have to throw down a flaming spear to do this. You do it nicely but firmly. It’s standing up for yourself.
coworkers can be rude and nosey AF. I’ve had some like that, too. But lying about your age is not the way to handle it.
I agree. It would be much better to lie about their questions about being single with no kids…
“My family died in a horrible accident while I watched helplessly. I work this shit job so I don’t have to sit at home thinking about it.”
That’s guaranteed to shut them the fuck up and keep them from asking any more nosy questions.
and that guarantees that they furiously gossip about it when I’m not around.
You say you didn’t give them ammunition, but IMO you’ve done exactly that by giving them this weird “power” to make you feel like you should hide your true age or apologize for anything.
“Why aren’t you married?” “I haven’t met anybody worth making that kind of commitment to.”
“Why didn’t you have kids?” “Because I don’t want any (at this point).”
Live your life according to your own schedule and speak your actual truth.
Live your life according to your own schedule and speak your actual truth.
Last time I tried this approach they made me feel like shit and bullied me.
If I need to change this, why and how?
Why:
You’re lying to your coworkers, and while you think you can pass for 25, you said you’ve been using it for 3 jobs now and have graying hair?
Like, lots of older guys drastically overestimate how young they still look, and people go along with it because why have the awkward conversation calling out an obvious lie?
How:
Just stop lying to everyone?
Like if you meant how to do that without everyone thinking negative things…
You shouldn’t have told people you’re almost 20 years older than you told them.
They’re going to doubt everything you tell them, and in a medical setting that’s a big deal.
You can try to keep pretending, but at some point it’ll come out, if they don’t already all know.
I’ve been graying since 23yo to be fair
Same, it’s been very slow, but it started then
It was slow initially, then it picked up a lot in the last ~5-6 years. My beard is unequivocally gray colored at this point, and my sideburns are graying.
Coincidentally, I had my first son around that time…
I’m confused by your “why” - why should they be honest about their age? Why is it anyone else’s business?
Bro is saying he’s 20 years younger than he is…
He’s not passing for 25.
Lots of middle age guys lie about their age, very very few are cocky enough to lie by this large of amount. And the amount that actually looked 25 at 43 is statistically zero.
Like, yeah, Paul Rudd is real person, but we know who Paul Rudd is because he’s the exception.
He could have easily just said “I don’t want to say”. But now he probably has a reputation as the creepy dude who thinks he looks 25.
I’m not saying that’s right, I’m saying that’s most likely what’s happening.
He said he even told his direct supervisor he was 25, date of birth is pretty basic information. A direct supervisor in a medical field is eventually going to see it on a form somewhere if they haven’t already
Even OPs supposed reason for doing this, could just be solved by saying “I don’t want to talk about it” to those questions.
So it doesn’t seem presumptuous to think he might not be that great with social interactions and cues.
He might just be another middle age dude that thinks people are falling for his obvious lies about his age.
It’s not exactly a rare thing like I said, the only rare thing is the balls to go 20 years younger.
Yea, but my question is why does this actually matter. How old your coworkers are is their private information that they can share with you if they wish. At my current company most of the more senior employees are millenials but we do have some Gen Xers that have faced open age discrimination at other jobs and, well, it doesn’t fucking matter as long as you can do the job. Women, especially, tend to get a lot of shit if they’re older and don’t have children or, God forbid, aren’t married - so I can absolutely understand why you’d want to dodge that judgment.
You aren’t entitled to any private information about your coworkers, and that’s a good thing. I am quite confused why this is important because it’s not relevant to the extremely limited relationship you’re forming as coworkers.
Yea, but my question is why does this actually matter
Because coworkers need to trust each other, especially in healthcare.
You aren’t entitled to any private information about your coworkers
Literally no one has said differently.
It’s just ironic a random 25 year old would have the maturity to just decline to answer if they didn’t want to.
OP is 43 years old and can’t handle that, so instead they claim to be 20 years younger, which very few people are probably falling for.
Yea, okay, especially the sibling response has made me reconsider. Lying about your age seems feels a lot more cringey then just deflecting and refusing to answer.
He should just not answer the question.
If I catch someone in just one lie, my estime of them usually plummets and I question most things they say afterwards. Not to mention lying about something obvious kind of makes you look schizophrenic.
That is a very fair perspective, but it can be difficult to do in a gossipy setting. Declining to answer or deflecting would be the approach I’d suggest to anyone who isn’t comfortable giving their age.
But, there are very legitimate reasons to avoid disclosing your age as people have stereotypes and preconceptions that you may want to avoid.
Edit to add:
As I ponder, I’m starting to agree more that it’s creepy to tell a bald-faced lie like that. But at one of my jobs, I was the youngest developer (but had a full beard) when it was revealed how young I was there were a few coworkers that just stopped taking my opinions seriously. I stand by refusing to disclose your age, but I do agree that outright lying is a bad option.
Deleted
Only being old is a protected class.
Being 40 means you’re a part of that class, even if your coworkers think you’re 25.
You had me in the first half.
You need to get some gray hair dye. Apply only a little, where people’s hair mostly starts to go grey, and then come in to one of your shifts. When the first person comments on it, act surprised and say “the witches curse was real! She said I would lost 13 years for encroaching on her house in the woods!” This way, you will get even more sympathy for being older. Your youth was stolen from you.
… hummmm. So I’m NOT doing enough which blaming…
I like this one.
Learn to laugh in people’s faces.
“Why aren’t you married?”
Laugh and walk away saying “rude”
deleted by creator
because I didn’t meet you in time…
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I don’t lift heavy patients like a 25 year old
Don’t worry, 25 year olds now don’t have the body of 25 year olds from when you were 25. In my experience they’re either very fit gym rats (the minority), or a bit pudgy and weak from a lifetime spent online.
I have a peer who I think is probably 40, but when I asked his age he flatly stated “I don’t tell people my age, it leads to judgment and preconceptions”. I respected his decision. You could always roll with something like that if you feel uncomfortable lying.
I respected his decision.
these coworkers do not. I wouldn’t need to lie if all coworkers were this respectful.
Next time your age comes up, just say, “you really believed I was 25?! Haha, that’s great!”
How can you be in your 40s and this avoidant?
bullying
Fair point.
Counterpoint: have you ever considered just not having trauma?
/s
do you understand that this is an emotional response and it’s kinda off to ask a person not to have trauma? do you think people like being bullied?
I put the /s there because I was in no way serious.
Please understand, I am on your side here.
everything’s good, I didn’t understand your /s
Idk about OP, but I don’t tell people my age, nor do I tell them what day of the year my birthday is.
I also never divulge my middle name.
This is all personal information, which I do not willingly share.
I’ve never really had a problem. Nobody knows, and they don’t need to know.
OP can do whatever they want with their own private information, which is none of anyone’s business.
I’ve never really had a problem.
then my coworkers are all busybodies who don’t know what boundaries are.
Still, answering ‘how old are you’ with ‘none of your business’ seems overkill. I just want them to leave me alone.
Busybodies are definitely the problem. When someone directly asks me about my age I just kind of silently and blankly stare at them until they stop asking.
Bluntly, I’m here to work because that’s how I make money which I need to survive. You’re my co-workers, not my friends. I’ll be friendly, but let’s keep discussions work-related. My age, is not an important piece of information for anyone to do their job. My birthday is the same.
People tend to guess, but they’re met with the same silence and blank stare. If they start asking why I’m not answering, I just tell them that I’m not willing to discuss my personal information.
If they can’t respect my boundaries, that seems like a “them” problem. If try to make their problem into my problem, then it will become HR’s problem.
Personally, I don’t work in highly social environments anymore (I work in tech, almost entirely remote work), so generally I don’t have a lot of opportunities to have small talk with my co-workers. I’m fortunate like that right now. Previously, I would mainly deal with it by exercising my constitutionally protected right to silence. It’s amazing how effective it can be to give someone zero reaction to their question. You didn’t say no, nor give them a reason, nor did you give them an answer. It weirds them right out.
Now, I’ll add the caveat that I do not give any shits about what people think of my beyond my professional capabilities. I think the only times I’ve given a reaction to it is when someone asked why I wouldn’t entertain the questions about my age and birthday, and my go-to reply is that “I’m a very private person”. I don’t talk about family, friends, dating/love life, personal finances, the things I own, where I live… (It’s a long list) When I’m working. The only other topic I try to avoid at work is politics, since it’s so universally polarizing. Discussions about literally anything else, totally cool. My personal life and politics? I’ll be over there points working. Tyvm.
Why does being 40 somehow mean they need to change?
Because by 40, most people are past these kinds of shenanigans.
I didn’t realize that I should be over bad things that have happened to me simply because I’ve reached x age.
Phenomenal, it’s just that easy! Just don’t have trauma, why didn’t I think of that?
First, you’re not OP, so I can only imagine that you’re taking something personally that has nothing to do with you.
Second, nothing in this post mentioned trauma. Being harassed by invasive questions isn’t trauma, it’s just humans trying to be social.
Third, if instead of working on your trauma you’re trolling internet discussions and inserting yourself whenever you think you can successfully play the victim, you do not have my sympathy.
bullying
This is OP’s response. You’re not the first person on Lemmy that seems to think it’s impossible to read other people’s comments.
The former coworkers who pestered you are jerks. Not everyone will react like that.
I don’t understand why you have to answer at all when someone asks your age, but find it hilarious that you just keep resetting to 25 every year. How do they keep believing it? Do you change jobs every year? Why do you care if someone judges your lifestyle if it’s what you want?
You aren’t going to break doing heavy lifting at 43. If you feel it’s damaging you, that’s separate from your age.
This whole question is so funny - I do think people see what they expect, not what is. I had 2 kids when young then 2 more when older, and it was so funny - people who only saw me with my younger set thought I was much younger than I am. People who knew me from the first set thought I was about my age. People who saw me with all of them thought I was a grandma and older than I am.
I don’t understand why you have to answer at all when someone asks your age
what would be your answer, when you don’t want to disclose it?
A gentleman never discloses his age or his lovers!
Or if you are feeling rude, ask them why they think it’s their business, or just say you don’t mix work and your personal life.
Don’t lie that you’re 25. In my experience, there are 2 ways to handle stupid questions you don’t wanna answer.
- agree and amplify with bullshit. “yeah, 40 and unmarried. I’m so lonely. I scream and cry myself to sleep every night. I drink 5 gallons of vodka just to make it thru a shift.”.
- change the frame. “why are you so interested in my marital status? Are you looking for someone? I’m flattered but you’re not my type.”.
yeah, 40 and unmarried. I’m so lonely. I scream and cry myself to sleep every night. I drink 5 gallons of vodka just to make it thru a shift.
I imagine myself using your answers with my coworkers, who are gossips and they replying how rude I am, feeling outraged and refusing to help me with my job.
The thing is, I’d use this answer with people that separate their private life from their jobs, but where I am, and in nursing in general, this doesn’t happen. And if they don’t separate both things, then they stop helping all together when they perceive you as unfriendly, meaning I have to work more.
I guess the price I pay for their help is faking interest in their lives.
I need to work somewhere else, don’t I?
I got double-carded at concerts until I grew facial hair. I wasn’t even 21 yet so idk what their deal was. Anyway, try to grow a beard and mustache, that helped me
