I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.
it’s normal to wait for a while before presenting to parents. for muslims its an especially serious thing. that culture probably doesn’t have a lot of casual dating. regarding her family, you should be supportive in doing things however she needs you to do them. don’t be a pussy about it
Why does it upset you?
Yeah here is the thing: honor killings still happen in Muslim families in the west.
Not saying her family is that extreme, but they could very well be. Even if they’re not, prepare for a lot of problems when they find out. If a Muslim girl tells you that she can’t tell her parents about you, idk trust her on her word. I know the feeling, it sucks, but that is part of the deal you made when you got serious with a Muslim girl
Do what she says or she will be killed by her family 🤡
Her family’s Muslim
That right there is the reason. Trust her on this one.
Hey there, am an Australian from a Muslim family. I too have the same, yet opposite, relationship dynamic as you - though our families are both aware now.
Formally, it is considered forbidden for Muslim women to marry outside the faith; her family won’t take it lightly. Perhaps in ways you haven’t considered.
Talk to your girlfriend. Ask her what she is worried about, and she will tell you. That is the best thing you can do.
Perhaps a slightly less doom-and-gloomy scenario (because not all muslims hate women): in many muslim cultures it’s expected that a relationship turns into a marriage quickly. A non-muslim colleague of mine started dating a muslim girl and her family was totally supportive of the relationship, but he did have to marry her within just a couple months of dating. They were both happy to do so but they’re a fair bit older than you are. Your girlfriend might not feel ready for such a thing.
Talk to her about it, and ask if she’s worried about her family’s reaction, what she expects and why. Don’t pressure her into introducing you to the family, but clarify that you’d just like to know why. You can express you’d like to meet them of course, but just remember that her decision should be final in all this. That will help your relationship going forward, and once she is ready for it you’ll get to meet them.
Yes. She knows her family better than you, trust her
It could be for her safety that she’s keeping you a secret. There have been so called “honor killings” of women whose dads or brothers suspected that she had dated someone and had sex out of wedlock.
Even in my western and free country of The Netherlands.Do you trust your girlfriend? Then let her decide when it’s the right time to tell her family about her, her very life might just depend on it!
What the fuck? People kill their adult child for having sex?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Honour_killing_in_the_United_Kingdom
Yes, and for generally just disobeying men.
Got a thread deleted for bringing this up, it’s islamophobic and racist to bring up the medieval practices.
Sadly yes, it’s got its own category of type of killing too:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_killing
And it’s usually the woman that suffers, or gets killed.
She’s already part of a religion that hates her for being a woman, no need to give them even more reasons
If she is still financially reliant on her parents, you should abide by her wishes on the subject. You should not consider it a reflection of her relationship with you. She is doing what she needs to do to survive and thrive.
Eventually, she might choose to rely on you for financial support. But, you could be killed in a traffic accident, and she would still be dependent on their support. Even after you are supporting her financially, she still needs to do what she needs to maintain her relationship with them.
You should not consider her relationship with her parents to be a reflection on your relationship until she is capable of supporting herself, independent of both you and them.
Until then, she is being coerced, to some degree or another, and you should consider that coercion when evaluating her behavior.
Friend of mine had the same scenario in high school. The only one who knew was the twin sister of the girlfriend. The rest of the family would never have accepted a non-muslim. It’s probably the only way to do this until she’s an adult and can tell them to fuck off.
It sucks that she opened herself up to a relationship when she couldn’t fully commit to it with you.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through things like this.
Other comments raise a good point about Muslim culture and it’s worth considering.
I dated a Muslim girl. In college. We were both 22 and she still had to keep it a secret. Her dad called her every night at 8pm to make sure she did her work and was getting ready for bed. I often had to overhear that right before we fucked.
Don’t be a baby about it. If you want to be with her, be in understanding and do what it takes.
My wife is Muslim, had a very similar experience
No pressure? You don’t think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she’s upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we’re all free to do things your way?
Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn’t about the culture gap at all? Maybe it’s about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?
Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that’s in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you’re just bad at being selfish?
